I'll Take Us Home

As I am deleting thousands of songs from my itunes that Niko has given me, I am reminded, by him, that I have not blogged in a while. This bothers me because it tells me that he's gone out of his way to track my private blog down on the internet and comes back to it from time to time to check in. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that I now know he does it. Ignorance is bliss, but I guess knowing is fine, though my topics remain to be tell-all and detailed.

With that said, I broke up with Niko this past Thursday and again, I feel free. I had been feeling uncomfortable with our relationship for quite some time now, and Megan had the pleasure of dealing with my stress in handling the situation. Time and time again, I realize that I am incapable of "lasting" in relationships because my feelings tend to be too detached to truly ever make an impression. I opt out when I feel that I might be getting "too serious," or when I feel that the other person has become dependent on me. Both situations are applicable in this past relationship, so I knew it would not work out.

In the past I have documented instances where I have quickly been scooped up by other men in my life shortly, if not immediately, after having a break up. Perhaps it's my way of coping with the self-inflicted hurt, lessening the disappointment in myself by having others take me to dinner, tell me how beautiful and intelligent I am, and then making me feel like a queen in bed. Well, I guess some things don't change with me.

I'd been emailing a certain Luke for a week now. I initiated conversation with him and right away after a friend suggested that we go out on a date in the future, and so I felt assured that he was a good person who had just been through a lot of bad things. Through emails I learned that:

1. He'd lived in 5 different countries and picked up Buddhism while he lived in China.
2. He was originally from Santa Barbara but now lived in Los Angeles.
3. He works a lot, went to school to study psychology, and also has a background in graphic design.
4. He's a serious runner who is very much in shape.
5. He used to have a Nike sponsorship for basketball in his days of youth.
6. He uses his body as a canvas and has tattoos, mostly of Buddhist theme, on his body with hopes of someday having his entire body covered (with the exception of places like his face, naturally).

I also knew he was 28, stood at 6'8, and thought that I was very attractive, haha.

I tested the idea of him out with a few of my friends. Megan reacted with a "no, no, no!" Michael reacted with a "you just better carry mace with you, though it looks to me that this guy probably wouldn't be affected by 10 cans of it." Dominic reacted with "dang girl - you sure you WANT to go there?" All negative responses, just as I had expected, and so I agreed to a date almost in spite of the opinions I'd gotten and to find out for myself what this guy was all about.

I have him meet me at one of my favorite restaurants, Masa, and he is there 10 minutes early. Punctual, check. I park my car across the street and walk over to where he's standing and he gives me a big smile and a hug. Friendly, check. Attractive in person, check check check. The restaurant is the fullest I have ever seen it but we are seated at a small table next to a large family group, all of whom notice us walk in and comment right away on his appearance. He is a really tall, really thin, really tattooed guy - I guess it only made sense that people would notice. We talked casually, though slightly forced at first, but over the course of dinner we let down our guards and found ourselves laughing and enjoying eachother's company to the utmost degree. We got out of there after an hour and a half or so and headed over to The Pig for coffee in the forest room. There we spent hours opening up to one another. I found out that:

1. His father is an English man who has never been in his life until just recently and only cares to talk about himself.
2. He has two siblings, an older sister who is 34 and an older brother who is 30; he is an uncle to his daughter's son Jack and will be a two-time uncle, as she is having yet another baby within the next couple of days.
3. He has been incarcerated for car theft.
4. He is three years drug free, though he used to be heavily addicted to cocaine.
5. He got out of his last serious relationship in February of '08 after having made the mistake of moving in with the girl after 6 months of knowing her.

At the end of the night he showed interest in seeing me again and I asked him to send me a text when he got home to let me know that he'd made it safe despite the rain storm. The text that I received that night was particularly happy and already trying to see me the following night - I agreed.

So last night I went ahead and met him at his apartment, despite telling Megan I would insist on meeting him in a more public place. She'd helped me get all dolled up for the occasion, curling my hair into a gorgeous sea of bounce, and knew how excited I was. She expressed her worry that I might be getting in over my head and getting involved too quickly, again, and I explained to her that I was only having fun and getting to know a new person.

His apartment can only be described as minimalist. Alternative lighting, the strong scent of incense, very clean, very white, very much not anything that I had expected. We hung around for a little bit before going off to grab some Japanese food at one of his favorite restaurants. We went back to his place to watch Paranormal Activity, which terrified me to the point of HAVING to be super close to him to keep from wanting to cry, haha. He loved my reactions to the film, he loved the closeness and even began to intertwine his fingers with mine, giving me the clear green light - I was in.

The rain was picking up and it was 3am and I was scared out of my mind. He suggested that I stay at his place and that he would take the couch and I could sleep in his bed - that it wouldn't have to be weird or creepy or anything, he promised he had good intentions and only wanted me to be safe. I told him there was no need to sleep in separate places, that I would almost prefer to sleep in his bed with him. This arrangement seemed perfectly PG rated for about half an hour, and then he kisses my neck to which I cannot hold back. I ask if I can kiss him and he only smiles and leans in. I can only say that we did not fall asleep until about 7am and even then, we woke up a little after 8 and stayed in bed together until 11:30. Though we did not have sex, we both wanted to more than anything but respected the fact that we were still strangers to one another, and that if we kept the mystery there then we would spend a great deal more time together in the future.

I'm not sure what it is that I've gotten myself involved in. I realize this person is not at all who I should be having in my life, let alone sharing a bed with after two nights, but I'm interested to see what happens. I refuse to judge him based on his appearances, his age, his past, and I refuse to let the norm be a factor in my decisions to quickly engage or not.

This is what being young is all about.