I'll Take Us Home

As I am deleting thousands of songs from my itunes that Niko has given me, I am reminded, by him, that I have not blogged in a while. This bothers me because it tells me that he's gone out of his way to track my private blog down on the internet and comes back to it from time to time to check in. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that I now know he does it. Ignorance is bliss, but I guess knowing is fine, though my topics remain to be tell-all and detailed.

With that said, I broke up with Niko this past Thursday and again, I feel free. I had been feeling uncomfortable with our relationship for quite some time now, and Megan had the pleasure of dealing with my stress in handling the situation. Time and time again, I realize that I am incapable of "lasting" in relationships because my feelings tend to be too detached to truly ever make an impression. I opt out when I feel that I might be getting "too serious," or when I feel that the other person has become dependent on me. Both situations are applicable in this past relationship, so I knew it would not work out.

In the past I have documented instances where I have quickly been scooped up by other men in my life shortly, if not immediately, after having a break up. Perhaps it's my way of coping with the self-inflicted hurt, lessening the disappointment in myself by having others take me to dinner, tell me how beautiful and intelligent I am, and then making me feel like a queen in bed. Well, I guess some things don't change with me.

I'd been emailing a certain Luke for a week now. I initiated conversation with him and right away after a friend suggested that we go out on a date in the future, and so I felt assured that he was a good person who had just been through a lot of bad things. Through emails I learned that:

1. He'd lived in 5 different countries and picked up Buddhism while he lived in China.
2. He was originally from Santa Barbara but now lived in Los Angeles.
3. He works a lot, went to school to study psychology, and also has a background in graphic design.
4. He's a serious runner who is very much in shape.
5. He used to have a Nike sponsorship for basketball in his days of youth.
6. He uses his body as a canvas and has tattoos, mostly of Buddhist theme, on his body with hopes of someday having his entire body covered (with the exception of places like his face, naturally).

I also knew he was 28, stood at 6'8, and thought that I was very attractive, haha.

I tested the idea of him out with a few of my friends. Megan reacted with a "no, no, no!" Michael reacted with a "you just better carry mace with you, though it looks to me that this guy probably wouldn't be affected by 10 cans of it." Dominic reacted with "dang girl - you sure you WANT to go there?" All negative responses, just as I had expected, and so I agreed to a date almost in spite of the opinions I'd gotten and to find out for myself what this guy was all about.

I have him meet me at one of my favorite restaurants, Masa, and he is there 10 minutes early. Punctual, check. I park my car across the street and walk over to where he's standing and he gives me a big smile and a hug. Friendly, check. Attractive in person, check check check. The restaurant is the fullest I have ever seen it but we are seated at a small table next to a large family group, all of whom notice us walk in and comment right away on his appearance. He is a really tall, really thin, really tattooed guy - I guess it only made sense that people would notice. We talked casually, though slightly forced at first, but over the course of dinner we let down our guards and found ourselves laughing and enjoying eachother's company to the utmost degree. We got out of there after an hour and a half or so and headed over to The Pig for coffee in the forest room. There we spent hours opening up to one another. I found out that:

1. His father is an English man who has never been in his life until just recently and only cares to talk about himself.
2. He has two siblings, an older sister who is 34 and an older brother who is 30; he is an uncle to his daughter's son Jack and will be a two-time uncle, as she is having yet another baby within the next couple of days.
3. He has been incarcerated for car theft.
4. He is three years drug free, though he used to be heavily addicted to cocaine.
5. He got out of his last serious relationship in February of '08 after having made the mistake of moving in with the girl after 6 months of knowing her.

At the end of the night he showed interest in seeing me again and I asked him to send me a text when he got home to let me know that he'd made it safe despite the rain storm. The text that I received that night was particularly happy and already trying to see me the following night - I agreed.

So last night I went ahead and met him at his apartment, despite telling Megan I would insist on meeting him in a more public place. She'd helped me get all dolled up for the occasion, curling my hair into a gorgeous sea of bounce, and knew how excited I was. She expressed her worry that I might be getting in over my head and getting involved too quickly, again, and I explained to her that I was only having fun and getting to know a new person.

His apartment can only be described as minimalist. Alternative lighting, the strong scent of incense, very clean, very white, very much not anything that I had expected. We hung around for a little bit before going off to grab some Japanese food at one of his favorite restaurants. We went back to his place to watch Paranormal Activity, which terrified me to the point of HAVING to be super close to him to keep from wanting to cry, haha. He loved my reactions to the film, he loved the closeness and even began to intertwine his fingers with mine, giving me the clear green light - I was in.

The rain was picking up and it was 3am and I was scared out of my mind. He suggested that I stay at his place and that he would take the couch and I could sleep in his bed - that it wouldn't have to be weird or creepy or anything, he promised he had good intentions and only wanted me to be safe. I told him there was no need to sleep in separate places, that I would almost prefer to sleep in his bed with him. This arrangement seemed perfectly PG rated for about half an hour, and then he kisses my neck to which I cannot hold back. I ask if I can kiss him and he only smiles and leans in. I can only say that we did not fall asleep until about 7am and even then, we woke up a little after 8 and stayed in bed together until 11:30. Though we did not have sex, we both wanted to more than anything but respected the fact that we were still strangers to one another, and that if we kept the mystery there then we would spend a great deal more time together in the future.

I'm not sure what it is that I've gotten myself involved in. I realize this person is not at all who I should be having in my life, let alone sharing a bed with after two nights, but I'm interested to see what happens. I refuse to judge him based on his appearances, his age, his past, and I refuse to let the norm be a factor in my decisions to quickly engage or not.

This is what being young is all about.

I have the BEST best friend on this entire planet. The five hour drive to Santa Cruz, complete with detours and congested highways was made totally worth it when I was able to run into Megan's arms and see her beaming face, tears forming in her eyes, incomprehensible happy noises being made from her mouth, haha. I am always going to compare my other friends to Megan, and though it is not necessarily "fair," it feels most "right." No one comes close to my red headed ball of wonder and hilarity, and that makes me feel so comforted.

I'm a damn lucky girl.

Last night I experienced the worst half hour of this year.

After having a fantastic day with Niko - shopping for vintage rings on State St., grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, attempting to climb trees on campus, being adorable together - I receive news from my sobbing mother, bless her soul, that my fifteen year old brother has gotten another tattoo. Except this time it's not covered, like the one on his chest, but rather it's on the front of his neck. All I can understand between tears and shortness of breath is my mom repeating "es horrible, jessi, es horrible." My heart sank, realizing that my brother no longer has any respect for himself or for his family. I am sure that this will be his biggest regret in the long run, because not only will people never look at him the same way, he won't be able to either. As far as I'm concerned, he's left home and is sleeping at the houses of friends who don't really care about him. I can't believe my little brother would be so ignorant.

Not even 30 seconds after that phone call, Megan calls me in hysterics - Chris has just broken up with her. Chris, the perfect boyfriend. The one who made "get better" packages when Megan was sick, and brought me tea at work when he knew I had closing shifts and couldn't stand to be there for much longer. Chris, the guy who cooked for us practically every night of the summer, produced customized sandwiches for picnics at the Bowl, and didn't mind so much that Megan and I were kind of insane. Chris who professed his love and adoration for my best friend and had daily material reminders for her, just in case the gazes and sweet words weren't enough. This same person called her up last night, a day before he was supposed to come up to Santa Cruz to spend his weekend with her, to tell her "I am not stopping to see you. I'm breaking up with you and can never see or speak to you ever again." Chris, the 21 year old man, who so often behaves wise beyond his years and but has zero emotional capacity and such impersonal relationships with people that it's almost disgusting.

I hate being right about people sometimes. I've been at odds with Chris for the past few years - never really being able to get the "in" as a friend of his, as much as I would have loved to. I've expressed this irk with Megan, explaining to her that he just wouldn't allow people to get close to him, and that for that reason, I could never fully feel comfortable. I told her how lucky she was that they connected and confided and shared things with one another - that he must really be genuine about his feelings for her.

That half hour filled me with the greatest disappointment and sadness. There is no worse thing than knowing that your mother's heart is broken and that there is little you can do to fix it. And for that to be followed by the tears of your best friend - the person who is one of your biggest sources of inspiration, someone that you admire and love to pieces. All I know is that I am going to be there for them. I am driving 300 miles up to Santa Cruz in a few hours with my boy (he hasn't ceased to amaze me - he is a good, good person) to be with Megan, and I hope to see my mother some time next week.

All you need is love.

Niko, my special little "brussel," has now taken up semi-permanent residence in my room. He sleeps over frequently, I have his laundry mixed in with my own, and my roommate is totally comfortable walking into the room to the sight of him lying shirtless on my bed with my legs intertwined with his, laughing in the darkness and exchanging stories about all things nonsensical and fascinating.

We now eat meals together daily, we have even showered together (mind you, in our bathing suits after a night of ocean swimming). He helps me with my homework, he holds me at soccer games and has come up with a joint workout plan that fits both our schedules perfectly, and just so happens to end in a hot tub session for two.

I feel that I won't grow tired of this gypsy rythmn lovin', snappy dressin', wildly charmin' man any time soon. Breakfast with him in 7 hours, and we're napping at 2 in the afternoon. It's likely we'll spend our night together again rather than out meeting new, different people. I love this.

Birthday List: (will be updated!)

1. http://www.too2late.com/prodotti_original.php - 1 coral red or midnight blue watch

2.http://www.modcloth.com/store/ModCloth/Womens/Accessories/Wallets/Sitting+Kitty+Wallet

Nikolai Druzhinin, in all of his foreign Belarussian glory, has filled the shoes of the first boy I have kissed in college. I was crushing from the start, and even though I promised myself I wouldn't make it TOO easy for anyone, I just let it happen last night on the sand, stars flying by in the sky, talk of pirate orbs on the water, cold air forcing us to get close for warmth. He kisses me unlike any boy in the past. He kisses me hard, and fast, and his tongue tickles my own. I call him a silly kisser, and I love it. He holds me tight in his arms, and smells my hair and the scent of my skin. He plays with my fingers and palms and wrists and kisses my nose. I spent all of today with him and to quote him, "I could really get used to this." It's time for me to sleep, and I'm already looking forward to having lunch with him at 2.

I know I said I wouldn't get deeply involved with anyone in college, so is this too impulsive? And too sudden?

Dulce Suenos.

I need to stick with this blog. I feel like it could be a good documentation of my first year at college, and as of today, I'm promising that I will post an entry for each day that I'm here, on campus (when I go home on weekends or set off to see Megan, I can't make any promises).

Today marks Day 3 of my college experience. Over the past couple of days I have moved in, settled down in my dorm, and met several people whose names and faces I will never remember. I have promised mix cds to girls on my floor and have forgotten who they were, I have given out my number to people I had minimal interest in from the start, and I probably jumped around too much at the ice cream social/DJ L-Freak "dance party" (one giant mass of people standing around, eating popsicles, and occasionally grinding on each other).

I have met two significant people as of now.

There is Anna Muriello and she's from La Crescenta and knows a lot of my friends from back home, so this is proving to make things extra comfortable and familiar. She went to Sacred Heart, she wears floor length gypsy dresses and has curly brunette hair. She dresses adorably all the time, we share a love for The Parson Redheads, and we've already become co-dependent when it comes to going out and arranging plans together. She doesn't like giant rodents or footed snakes, she lives for Robert Francis, and has a boyfriend named Fernando. I won't lie - I'm glad that Anna and I are friends, otherwise she would totally be a threat because she is just so damn cute and wonderful. It should also be noted that Anna has the most attractive guy friends, and that upon closer speculation, they are also really funny and outgoing - this was determined after a late night in my room, 15 of us sitting around eating oreos and listening to The Kinks.

Then there is Nico Druzhinin. He caught my attention the first night, at another freshmen mixer where everyone gathered around a fire pit to make smores and listen to really loud hip hop music. He was standing alone with a backpack, wearing a black wife beater and cuffed jeans with his black chucks. He had thick chops, chest hair, and thick framed black glasses - he was wearing a cute bowler hat too and really had the greaser/rockabilly look going for him. I was contemplating how attractive I found him, just standing there looking a bit misplaced when I just went for it, approached him and said something dumb about how I was diggin' his facial hair. His eyes lit up and conversation commenced, essentially lasting all night. He is originally from Belaruse and moved to the states in 1999. He speaks fluent Italian and Russian, and it's incredibly sexy when he does. He's lived in the SF area since arriving, plays the trombone, and is savvy with funk and soul. He's somewhat tainted when it comes to girls and relationships after his ex girlfriend, his favorite movies include Pulp Fiction and The Godfather, and he owns a chocolate toy poodle named Baron, haha. I like him a lot and see him becoming a really great friend.

Then there is Michael Cresto, who I'd been eyeing even prior to getting here - he is a Vegan of 5 years, super athletic, undeclared major who already has floozies on his tail (slipping notes under his door, seeking him out in his room, leaving phone numbers on his white board - it's day three, girls. let's have some class) but is very uninterested, and actually proved to be incredibly talkative and friendly when he came by my room at 1am and stayed for about an hour and a half. His smile is a heartbreaker, he has two felonies charged against him (he explained himself - he was framed by his arch nemesis), wants to transfer to Boston University and I'm definitely hoping he'll make more frequent stops.

There are the obvious friends: Molly Nugent and her super sweet room mate Nicole Gee. Vartan Azizian and Rachel Doran, my friends from home. Joshua Greenberg, who I have yet to see on campus but will likely make lunch plans with later this week.

Today I am missing the big, welcome ceremony in order to switch around my classes (let's free up Friday?) and go to my group job interview in the city at 6pm. I'm signing up for yoga classes later in the afternoon with Anna and Molly and tomorrow I'm going back home for the afternoon to pick up more stuff and spend time with my mom, who I'm already missing tremendously. I think it also goes without saying that I miss my best friend. A lot. :(

The food here is decent and I've been feeding on salads, tofu, fruit, soy milk. I've been good about steering clear of sweets and crap food, so I've been enjoying meals - nom nom nom.

I'm waiting for the bathrooms to simmer down from activity and then I'm taking on a brand new day.